Is my wifes masturbation killing our sex life?

She does it in secret and never wants to make love afterwards – but where does it leave me in the scheme of things?

My wife loves me, and she’s had multiple orgasms when we’re together, but from time to time she likes to go solo. I’m 65 and she’s 60 – we’ve been married for 40 years – so I know what she likes. During the day, she’ll go into the bedroom and lock the door – there’s really only one reason she would do that (though I never try to get in). After she does this, later that night, she wants to be spooned, but has no interest in having sex with me. It seems she’s satisfied already – so it’s goodnight for me! She denies what’s going on and I don’t think she wants to give up sex. But would you want to have another meal if you’re already full? What should I do here?

Masturbation does not usually prevent a person wanting or enjoying partner sex. But, for many people, it provides a qualitatively different kind of satisfaction; they are able – and want to – enjoy both self- and other-pleasuring. For women, many other feelings can accompany lovemaking, and sometimes it is a complex mixture – maybe love, pleasure, validation and perhaps even some feelings that might be considered negative such as pain, pride, neediness, anxiety, submission, anger and frustration – that they must overcome in order to orgasm.

During sex with a partner, you have to negotiate the time and space, and set aside the day-to-day interactions with him or her. All this can interfere with the purity of the sexual experience. On the other hand, masturbation is usually devoid of feelings other than pure pleasure, and this is one reason why it’s often continued by partners individually, even when they are tremendously satisfied by their mutual sex life. You are being very understanding to simply leave her be. Continue with this smart approach, and never take it as a sign of anything other than simple quality time to herself.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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